Fifty things that aren't my fault -- Why there's a lifeless body in dressing room number two -- Driving lessons -- In loving memory of the legs l used to hate -- The attack mom -- The day I outgrew all my shoes -- I would wash my hands of this if only I could -- Caregiver standoff at the ice cream parlor -- Cords -- At least I didn't eat a donut -- The build-a-boob workshop -- Infidelity -- Nobody wants to hear about your nice clean closet -- No comment -- Helicopter daughter -- Diary of a bubble wrap scrap -- I'm flunking retirement -- This is your brain on sweet potato chips -- Don't tell a woman to just wear jeans -- The organizer -- Love stories -- The day I washed my face with bath soap -- It took a village -- The itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny torture chamber -- The day I divorced my purse -- Stop trying to upgrade your mother -- Ode to eyeliner -- What kind of friend has no Wi-Fi in the powder room? -- In defense of my 2,000th trip to the mall -- My meaningless midlife six-minute fling -- Four kindergarten moms and a bottle of Pinot Grigio -- Joyfully preparing for the celebration of death -- Left at the altar -- Seduction 101 -- The last champions of photo album guilt -- Prince Charming -- Unexpired love -- Ate o'clock -- Mother's Day text message -- Novocaine in the waiting room -- Cool whipped -- Never, ever do what I say -- Love is in the air -- Barbie mom -- Meditations on a sweat sock -- Mother's soup -- Superman versus the meatloaf -- My cup would runneth over except it was full of M&M's and now they're all gone.