Hello. Introduction ; Alternative titles for this book -- I forget nothing : a sensitive kid looks back. Chubby for life ; I am not an athlete ; Don't peak in high school ; Is everyone hanging out without me? (or, How I made my first real friend) -- I love New York and it likes me okay. Failing at everything in the greatest city on earth ; The exact level of fame I want ; Karaoke etiquette ; Day jobs ; Best friend rights and responsibilities ; Matt & Ben & Mindy & Brenda -- Hollywood : my good friend who is also a little embarrassing. Types of women in romantic comedies who are not real ; All about "The office" ; Franchises I would like to reboot ; Contributing nothing at "Saturday Night Live" ; Roasts are terrible ; My favorite eleven moments in comedy ; How I write ; The day I stopped eating cupcakes ; Somewhere in Hollywood someone is pitching this movie -- The best distraction in the world : romance and guys. Someone explain one-night stands to me ; "Hooking up" is confusing ; I love Irish exits ; Guys need to do almost nothing to be great ; Non-traumatic things that have made me cry ; Jewish guys ; Men and boys ; In defense of chest hair ; Married people need to step it up ; Why do men put on their shoes so slowly? -- My appearance : the fun and the really not fun. When you're not skinning, this is what people want you to wear ; These are the narcissistic photos in my BlackBerry ; Revenge fantasies while jogging -- My all-important legacy. Strict instructions for my funeral ; A eulogy for Mindy Kaling, by Michael Schur ; Good-bye.